South Florida Local News

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a new employee at a large company. How do I respond to nosy co-workers asking about where I previously worked?

• Miss Manners: A new volunteer behaved unforgivably toward me. I want her fired
• Miss Manners: Why ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ aren’t appropriate anymore
• Miss Manners: My father cares more about his outfit than being in my wedding
• Miss Manners: I told my wedding guests ‘no gifts’ but I didn’t expect this to happen
• Miss Manners: What do I tell the restaurant staff when the ladies’ room is too gross to use?

I want to be polite, but I feel my privacy is being invaded.

GENTLE READER: Expecting your co-workers to stick to business is entirely reasonable, and Miss Manners would understand if you found questions about your personal life to be intrusive.

But questions about previous employment seem a reasonable way of getting to know the people with whom you will be spending a great deal of time. Remember that how much information you divulge when answering such questions is up to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Strangers want to make small talk with me while waiting in grocery checkout lines, at bus stops, at the bank, during flights, etc. I do not want to make friends with strangers every time I step outside my house.

When this happens, I can’t bring myself to tell these people, “I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to talk,” because it is considered rude.

I attempt to drop gentle hints that I want to be left alone, through body language and short answers to their questions, but most of these people seem to be immune to hints.

So, I am forced to think up innovative ways to avoid talking while being careful not to hurt their feelings. For instance, in order to avoid a chatty lady who wants to become my friend at my regular bus stop, I go to another stop that is slightly out of my way. Once on a nine-hour flight, I was seated next to a talker, and I craned my neck the other way for the entire nine hours in order to avoid catching their eye, which would have led to a long conversation.

First, the obvious question: How can I let these well-meaning folks know, without being rude, that I do not wish to have a conversation?

The second part of my question is more philosophical than practical. Why is it not considered rude to engage me in conversation against my will, but it IS considered rude to tell people you don’t want to talk? Why is their desire to talk to me more valid than my wish not to talk to them? Is there an etiquette rule that says I must suffer instead of them?

• Asking Eric: Friends are shunning me for questioning the HOA
• Miss Manners: A new volunteer behaved unforgivably toward me. I want her fired
• Asking Eric: She shows up late and then says I’m uptight
• Miss Manners: Why ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ aren’t appropriate anymore
• Asking Eric: I won’t let her smoke in my yard. She says I’m being unreasonable

GENTLE READER: Our ideas about rules and laws are inevitably shaped by major ones like the Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights, which are short and pithy. But as a species, we don’t like to read (or take) instructions. Even the big rules are understood to include fine print, like killing in self-defense or not shouting “fire” in a crowded theater.

Yes, it is impolite not to respond when spoken to. But it is also impolite to engage someone in conversation against that person’s inclination.

Miss Manners assures you that you are not being impolite if, after one or two short responses, you find something to do that won’t give you a stiff neck and instead say, “Excuse me, I’m going to return to my book now.” Or “my thoughts.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Q: My partner and I have been together for a few years and have been living in a rented house. It’s time for us to buy our first house. Do you have any recommendations on what we should be looking for in our new home? — Christine

A: There is no shortage of advice when you are looking to buy your first home.

The first thing to understand is that the concept of a perfect home is a myth. There is no such thing, and what you should be looking for is the best home you can afford that fits your family and lifestyle.

The reality is that you need a home in good repair, at the right price, and in the best location for your family.

Start by making a list of the features most important to you, such as proximity to work or good schools, a certain number of bedrooms, large closets, or a garage. Try to find a home that checks as many of those boxes as possible.

Then consider the area you want to live in. If you know the general area well, perhaps because it is close to where you live now, this shouldn’t be too hard.

But if you’re new to an area or not finding what you’re looking for locally, you can branch out and explore other areas.

If you go this route, try to visit the area you’re considering at different times of the week and at different times of day. What might be a quiet neighborhood on a Tuesday at 3 p.m. can be absolute chaos on a Saturday night.

Finally, be realistic about who you are and what you want to do.

It may seem like a good idea to live in a community with lots of activities at the recreational center, but if you aren’t someone who likes that sort of thing or the idea of a strict homeowners’ association telling you what color to paint your mailbox, it’s not going to work for you.

For example, if you’re just not the person who goes to a farmers’ market, even if you like the idea of doing so, don’t choose an area with farmers’ markets, because in reality, you haven’t been going to one for all these years for a reason. It’s just not your thing.

While it’s good to be aspirational, you should look for a home that suits who you are, not necessarily who you hope to become.

Board-certified real estate lawyer Gary Singer writes about industry legal matters and the housing market. To ask him a question, email him at gary@garysingerlaw.com, or go to SunSentinel.com/askpro.